FRACTURE

Why am I like this?

Why does kindness make me feel so uneasy? Why do I get angry when someone tells me they think I’m a good person? Why does hearing “you’re the kindest friend I’ve ever had” make me feel like my existence doesn’t really matter? Why do I feel so empty when someone says they trust me a lot? Why do words that should warm my heart leave me feeling colder instead? Why do I feel the need to stay away when someone gets close? Why do I feel guilty when someone cares about me? Why do I find comfort in loneliness but fear being alone? Why do I question every compliment as if it’s a lie? Why do I push people away when all I want is for them to stay? Why do I feel like I don’t deserve to matter to anyone? Why do I feel more comfortable being misunderstood than understood? Why do I feel like everyone would be better off without me? Why do I feel like I have to disappear before anyone gets too close? Why do I feel empty after hearing the words I’ve always wanted to hear?

I really don’t know why I’m like this.

Maybe the answers exist somewhere beyond all this fear. Maybe one day, kindness won’t feel like a threat, trust won’t feel so heavy, and love won’t feel like something I have to earn. Maybe one day I’ll understand why the things that are supposed to make me feel safe only make me want to run away forever.