FRACTURE

My friends ask me how I live my life staying at home alone all day—why I don’t hang out with them, go outside, spend time outdoors, play any sports, or even take a walk. In response, my mind goes completely blank—but still tries to build some fake answers, as if it could hide my quiet hunger for company I don’t fully understand. Unfortunately, I’m not even good at regular conversation, so I just reply, “I think that’s just how I am!”

“Dude, why are you so boring and quiet?” My only response is the quiet smile on my lips. I know I’m boring—but somehow it makes me feel better that some people actually see me the way I am.

I don’t understand why, but I feel more loved when people ignore me or even dislike me than when they try to care or love. Even when someone gives me a compliment, instead of feeling happy and grateful, I become something else—maybe angry, or slightly disgusted. I just can’t stand it when love tries to be directly in front of me.

Maybe loneliness has been with me since the very beginning—slowly pushing me into the dark well of isolation, keeping me so far from care and affection that now those things feel unfamiliar… even uncomfortable.

And… you know what… I think that’s just how I am.