FRACTURE

It feels depressing when I sit down to study these days. A swarm of questions floods my mind: Why am I doing all this? What am I studying for? Are these papers actually going to help me? Thoughts like these never crossed my mind before 9th grade. It was around that stage of my life that my consciousness began to unfold, and I gradually started finding myself.

I can confidently declare that these notes, marks, certificates, and their dream of me becoming a doctor—none of them is going to help me accomplish my goal. I do not want to enslave myself in this rabbit-hole of “jobs”—I want freedom. Sometimes, I even find myself valuing freedom above health. Freedom means everything to me. More than anything else, I want to be free.

I cannot bear the thought of wasting years of my life just to get admitted into a university that barely does any good. Studying all day, getting top grades, and eventually being selected for a job may give someone the means to earn a livelihood and support a family, but they rarely make a person truly free. And I want to be free, no matter what.

Perhaps that’s why studying feels so heavy now. My mind keeps wandering beyond grades, beyond certificates, beyond the future others have imagined for me, searching for something that feels genuinely worth pursuing.