FRACTURE

Have you ever felt so lonely that the only thing that gives you company now is staying alone? It’s not something I’ve felt once, because… it’s just how I am—lonely, every single day, every passing moment.

I can’t even think of anyone who would at least ask me how I’m feeling today. Maybe it’s because I’m a man, and people say men are lonely by nature, especially if they can’t provide.

The only new thing I get to see every day is just “a new day.” No change, no joy, no pleasure… nothing new. It’s just me thinking about their reactions after I get my results, waiting to hear the same loud arguments about my future, watching the fear in their eyes—the fear of poverty and that all the money spent on me will be wasted, and at the end of the day, it’s just me gradually getting used to this burden of failure.

They say I can’t talk, and that I’m shy and stupid. But I do know how to talk, how to communicate, and how to make friends. I have friends—countless of them. They’re the only people who stay with me even at my lowest, understand me well enough just by looking into my eyes. Yet, I’m one of the loneliest. Because I never get to see them, nor to touch them. I can only feel them and speak with them when I’m alone in my room.

They give me even more reasons to stay happy. We share our joy. We walk, sit, gossip, and laugh together, and have a lot of… fun. We make fun of one another, but no one seems to be bothered. We play games, music, sports, and have a great time… only in my imagination.

It’s my world, my only world, where I’m treated like a human being—not as a machine to print money for others. It’s my one and only world where I can think and use my own brain instead of being controlled by some unconscious people. Also, sadly, it’s the only place where I can speak to someone when I’m down—instead of hearing, “Just a few blows of stick and you’ll be fine.”